Dear Lainy.

Writing is a powerful tool. Sometimes, it’s the best way to express the true meaning of how you feel. If you know me, then you probably know that I don’t have a problem with words. But, writing gives us a chance to enhance what we want to say with our mouth. Our brains can get in the way…we feel with our hearts and want to communicate, but our brains can transform that into misunderstanding. How many times have we overthought a conversation and turned into something else? We sit there and think:

“What did he/she mean when he/she said that?”

And when we tell someone the phrase, “I love you.” It’s too simple. So much goes into that phrase. That is just a summary of everything we feel. The word love includes, “worry, caring, wishing for, praying for, providing for, protecting.” The word love is a shortcut.

Today’s prompt is “Audience of One.” If there was one person you wish could read your blog…who would it be? And what would you say? For me that would be my daughter, Lainy. This is my letter explaining “I love you.”

Dear Lainy,
Six and a half years ago, your mother and I went to the doctor. She laid down on some special chair that allowed her to sit and lay down at the same time. I am not sure what they call that special chair. But, it looks like this:

room-sonogram

Your mom and the doctor talked a bit and all of a sudden, we saw you…on a tiny little monitor. We saw your little beating heart and we cried. We knew that we were watching “our world” on that tiny little monitor. We were preparing for you. We had gifts for you…clothes…toys…diapers. We knew that once you entered our world officially, life would change. And on June 13 of that year. You introduced yourself to the world. We were so happy. The doctor handed you to me and I had no idea how to hold you. I had never held a baby before, so I apologize for holding you like you were a loaf of bread. But, I learned quickly. Why? Because we learned that you did not like to just lay there in a crib or bed. You wanted to be carried….everywhere. You were so curious about this new world. I was so nervous. Your mom wasn’t. She was a natural, your dad was clueless. Like, the first time I had to take care of you by myself. I remember that morning, your mother said:

“She will probably just sleep the whole day…it should be easy.” And you were sleeping, until she shut the door to leave for work. You cried…and cried….and cried. I did not know how to make you happy. I tried to feed you, make you laugh, I told jokes, but you still cried. I started to cry too cause I didn’t know what to do. So, we hopped in the car and drove to your grandma’s work. She was so surprised to see her me standing there in my Spongebob Squarepants pajamas with you in my arms.

“She won’t stop crying…I don’t know what to do.”

She picked you up…and guess what? You stopped crying. Maybe, that was a little joke you were playing on me. Right there and then, you knew that we were gonna make mistakes sometimes. Parents aren’t perfect. We are learning as much as you are. Like, your first trip on an airplane. You were probably 6 months old. We made the preparations for the flight, packed your clothes in a luggage, and diapers. We packed some diapers in your mom’s purse just in case you had an accident on the short flight to San Diego. But, right before the flight, you had a big accident. And we realized you had no new clothes to wear on this flight because we packed all of it in our luggage that we checked in already. Your mom told me to go to a airport shop and grab anything for you to wear. Apparently, i took the “anything” word literally because I bought you a sweater. An adult sweater. I still don’t know why I thought that was appropriate. I was panicked I guess. Well, it covered you up at least.

And do you remember christmas tree shopping two years later? Probably not, but we certainly remember. We went to Lowe’s to pick up a tree. It was a cold and rainy day so we made sure you were bundled up. We parked right in front to grab the tree. I left the car on so you could stay warm with the heater on. I closed the car door and realized I just locked you in the car…with the motor running. You must have thought it was funny watching your parents look at each other in disbelief. And guess what? It started raining right at that moment. So I called the fire department, and they were on their way to open our car door up. But, a funny thing happened right after I did that. I looked at you through your car window…and you reached over and unlocked the car door. If that was a joke…that’s another good one, my love.

We tell you we love you all the time. Every day….every opportunity we have. But, we want you to know that “love” is deeper than that. The plain word cannot explain how much you mean to us. After I drop you off at school, my worrying begins. I worry about your safety….I picture you playing with your friends and running all over the playground. And I pray you are having a great time. And when I pick you up, my worry disappears. Because I know that I can protect you and take you home safely. And I can learn about all the cool things you learned that day.

“Dad…this pencil…it says “Made in China.”

“Yes baby, it does…”

“Wow… this was made in China? How did it get here? That’s so far…wow.”

It is a pure joy to watch you grow up. We are so proud of you. From the first time we saw you on that tiny little monitor…to every day that I pick you up from school. But, I have to tell you, this worrying thing…will never go away. It does not matter how old you are, I will always worry about you. Even when you are in high school…even when you are in college…and even when you are married…I will still worry. That never goes away. And you probably won’t understand that until you have your own kids. And when you do, not only will I worry about you, but now I will worry about your little ones. But we are getting way ahead of ourselves..besides remember what you told me a few months ago?

“Daddy, when do I have a boyfriend?”

“Not for a long time little one?”

“How about when I’m 7?”

“No…way too early.”

“Ok, when I’m 65?”

“Sounds perfect to me…”

See you in a few hours my love…I can’t wait to hear about your day.

Audience of One

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4 thoughts on “Dear Lainy.

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