I wake up every morning and do my routine. Shave my awkward face fuzz and uneven moustache. I shave my head. And then nature calls, I grab my phone and I sit there and check Facebook. I go through a fast up and down of the posts. Like this. Like that. Like this. Like that. And eventually, you see the “People you might know” section. And then we become Facebook snobs.
“What? Silly Facebook, why would I want to be virtual friends with that person? That person stole my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in third grade. Besides that, at our class Valentine’s day party, you gave me a valentine that said, ‘You’re an A+ teacher!’, hello! You didn’t even give me a regular valentine. I gave you a valentine with a cute cat on it that said, ‘You’re purrrrrr-fect.’ No way. You owe me a sandwich dude.”
“Yeah right…me be friends with her? She ran against me for student council in high school. I was robbed I tell you…I was robbed.”
“Wait, well, maybe I could be friends with him…but why hasn’t he requested me? I’m not doing it first…he needs to request ME first. And when he does, I will wait a few days to accept it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
And we are not just snobs with Facebook, other social media sites too. It happens on Instagram.
“I ALWAYS like his pictures….but he never likes mine. That picture…of that pink sunset that I took last week…totally likeable. He JUST posted a pic of a sunset. HELLO, we are sunset buddies. We both like sunsets. Like my pic man.”
Have you ever had a friend request waiting for you and you ignored it? And you waited…and kept it there. And then by some catastrophic miracle, you ran into this person? This person you ignored…this person who’s friend request is sitting there in your notification tab saying:
“Hey…look at me. Let’s be friends. I can send you extra lives in Candy Crush. And invite you to every other game I am currently playing. I post interesting articles about things like politics…and weird dancing videos. And I go to the gym too. So, every morning I post mind-blowing statuses like ‘Straight smiggity smiggity smashed it on the biggity biggity bench press, now I’m making a protein shake..so I can kill it again. YOLO!”
And if we are facebook friends in real life…and I liked your status or picture between 6 AM and 630 AM, I was probably on the toilet when I did that. You’re welcome.