I almost stole your buzz, Brittney.

I walked up to the line of caffeine-needing people and waited. I turned and waved at the regulars and make sure creepy sunset guy was not at the table I usually sit at. Nope, sweet.

“..a small of your medium blend please.”

Opened my wallet and stared into nothingness. What? I thought I had two dollars. I looked through my wallet.

“..just a second please.”

And proceeded to empty my wallet….4 different library cards in different counties…three empty gift cards…two different “buy 8 burritos, get one free” cards….old lottery tickets…old receipts. No money.

I imagined the rest of my day without caffeine. I walked back to my spot depressed. I cannot function without coffee. I can’t focus…I can’t maintain a conversation…and my aim will be off when I pee. I need one dollar and 95 cents.

Two ladies walked by and sat their coffee cups at my table.

“Tiff, I got us a table…we can sit over here.”

“Ok, good…I have so much to tell you. Oh my gosh is that you know who outside? She has gained sooo much weight. Let’s go say hi.”

They walked away…and left one coffee cup behind.

I stared at it. Large white cup with “Brittney” written on the side. The coffee smell was enchanting…it was calling me. I looked out the window and saw the two ladies talking outside. And watched them get into a car and drive away. My eyes looked back at the now deserted coffee cup at my table. Aww poor baby, Brittney left you. She didn’t want you…she hates you. Yeah, she does.

But then I started to think:

“Am I really thinking about stealing this large coffee filled with the fuel I needed to sit here and look at funny kitty videos for six hours? Did Brittney put her lips on this? What if she has some weird lip disease or something? I don’t know where Brittney has been.”

I gently grabbed the cup and spun it around for any visible lip marks…no lipstick…no left over coffee residue from a sip.

“Nope..nothing. Untouched.”

I started to feel guilty. I tried to justify this heinous act.

“Hey Dan…we need this. Brittney doesn’t need this coffee. She probably had a spare coffee or something in her purse. Women always have spare things in their purses…spare key…extra makeup…spare coffee. Maybe she saw what happened to you…and saw your sad walk back to the table…and felt bad and wanted to donate this coffee to you without embarrassing you. Yeah, that’s it. She’s a saint. Good ol’ Brittney, always looking out for us. That’s ridiculous, what is she?Some coffee fairy blessing all us non-caffeine having peasants in her coffee-filled kingdom? But, look what she said about her friend outside..she said ‘she gained sooo much weight.’ See? She’s a mean friend. She probably dresses up like all the Disney villains on the weekends just to scare little kids…maybe she goes to pet stores and laughs at all the unadopted pets…she probably hates Taylor Swift. You need to drink this…to get revenge for those unadopted pets and kids who were scared by her Disney villain outfits…and do this for Taylor Swift.”

I looked up…and saw a coffee shop worker walk by my table and notice the abandoned cup. He grabbed it and threw it in the garbage. My heart sank.

Fine, coffee shop worker…you won this battle. I didn’t want it anyway. Brittney is going to come back and I will tell her what you did.


10 thoughts on “I almost stole your buzz, Brittney.

  1. A spare in her purse! hahahah!

    Maybe Brittany will now buy you a coffee for your act of kindness (telling on the dude that threw it away) She can get her coffee replaced for free and get you one too? It’s only fair?

    I want to have coffee with you (completely platonic, of course.) and I promise not to share naked pics.

    Did you check your car for change and such? We have a cup full of coins… just take that cup and dump it all over the counter (coins rolling here and there) and have barrista count it up? Surely there’s enough for a cup (or a shot) anyway. I can’t believe the person behind you didn’t offer. Don’t they understand who you are?

    • I checked my car lol. A small coffee is 1.95, and I always pay 2.00. So, i get a nickel back every time….so I was hoping that I had 38 nickels between my jacket and my car…no such luck lol. I am not too sure the workers like me that much here lol, i’m the guy who buys coffee but brings food from different places guy…or the guy who brings food from home…or sometimes the guy who bring coffee from another place lol.

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