That wasn’t me.

I live in coffee shops on my days off. And a few months ago, I switched to a different coffee shop to spend my days. It is smaller but the wifi is excellent. Coffee and wifi are two essential tools for a freelance writer.

Some people say…”I don’t need coffee…I drink tea.”

Or they say, “I don’t need coffee…I have natural energy…I wake up…and I motivate myself…and my body…I just jump off the bed and boom…look out world…I am here.”

And I say, “Yeah, that’s weird…the whole ‘boom and look out world part.’ I need coffee.”

I consider myself a morning person. I wake up early on the weekends….and enjoy having the whole day to do things.

But, coffee affects me physically…it makes me pee too much. And today, it affected me socially.

I felt the urge to use the restroom. I looked up from my laptop screen and saw an empty coffee shop. I walked to the bathroom for the third time in an hour and opened the door.

The men’s bathroom was a mess. Toilet paper all over the ground…paper towels filled the trash can and fell over the ground next to it. Someone obviously had terrible aim also because the toilet was a mess also. I had to watch wherever I stepped. It was gross. I did not want to use the bathroom at all. I checked my phone….30 minutes til practice. I decided that I would just wait til I got to the school. I washed my hands. I know what you are thinking.

“You washed your hands? You didn’t even use the bathroom…”

And I would say.

“Yes, that place was gross….just being in that room for those two minutes made me feel dirty. So, yes…I washed my hands…I wash my hands a lot…it’s one of my weird habits….and why are you worried about my hands? What if I didn’t wash my hands…and for some weird miracle I ran into you while strolling down the street…and you said, ‘hey…you look familiar…where do I know you from…I feel like I have seen you somewhere…wait, I think I follow your blog…holesinmysocks? Dan right?”

And I would say.

“Yes, that’s me…wow…this is crazy…you read my blog? Thanks! Yes, that’s me…the guy who posts too many pictures of food…and talks about food way too much. How are you?”

And you would say.

“I am good…thanks…”

And I would reach out my hand toward you to shake your hand….and you would shake mine….or I would raise my hand to give you a hi-five…and you would give me a hi-five. And we would talk for a bit…and go on with our days.

You would go home…turn on your laptop…or check wordpress on your phone…read this post and say.

“Whoa….I just met that guy…and he didn’t wash his hands after he left that bathroom…and he shook my hand and gave me a hi-five…gross…darn it, Dan!”

See, so that’s why I wash my hands so much.

Back to my story.

So as I was washing my hand, someone was trying to come into the locked bathroom. And by the way they tried to get in, I could tell it was urgent. And then they said.

“Hello? Hello?”

And I replied, “Yes? I’m coming out…just washing my hands.”

I finished washing and opened the door and noticed a long line of men waiting to get in the bathroom. I was only in there for like two minutes…and now it seems this coffee shop had the only men’s bathroom in the whole city because it looked like a bus dropped off this gang of men to use the bathroom. The guy coming in the bathroom stopped short in his tracks.

“Whoa…wait…did you do this? This place is filthy…there’s toilet paper everywhere…”

I froze.

“…that wasn’t me….It was like that when I got in there. That wasn’t me.”

He paused.

“There was no one here but you…..”

“I know…but I swear…that wasn’t me.”

The guy behind him walked away and brought back a coffee shop worker.

“This restroom is absolutely filthy…and this guy claims he didn’t do it.”

I was mortified.

I had a line of angry men looking at me. The coffee shop worker looked at me….and then looked at the angry men.

“He didn’t do it….we had a lady come in with three little boys….and all three went in and made a mess….the mother apologized and we haven’t got to cleaning it yet.”

The silence was golden.

“See…not guilty. That wasn’t me.”

The angry eyes changed….and I walked past the line of men.

I sat down and thought about what had just happened. I laughed out loud. The coffee shop worker who exonerated me walked towards me.

“Sorry about that sir….that had to be embarrassing. Here…have a coffee and pastry on us.”

I win.


9 thoughts on “That wasn’t me.

  1. Were you able to drink that coffee and eat that pastry even though you really needed to pee? Or did you just take them with you to practice? Just wondering. I like all those little loose ends tied up with a nice pretty bow. 🙂

  2. ugh!! One of my pet peeves. Public restrooms. They are so gross. Most of the time I would much rather go behind a tree or something. Not only are they dirty, gross, and germy, horribly germy, but they have that whole smell thing going on and I am super sensitive to smells and start gagging. Literally gagging and retching. Very embarrassing if there are more people in there

    So what do you do with your laptop when you go to the restroom?

    I would have totally washed my hands too, because I am a handwasher. I think most people would get sick a lot less if they washed their hands more.
    Since I am the mother of 3 sons and once upon a time they were little, I could totally see just what that restroom looked like. However I do have to point out that my little boys wouldn’t have walked out of the restroom without cleaning up after themselves unless there was an emergency we had to be at.
    No personal responsibility anymore. Another pet peeve. I guess I’m kind of peeved today. lol

    • My laptop is huge…so I leave it wherever I’m sitting. Pretty trusting with it actually, I’m pretty friendly with the regulars at the coffee place so we watch out for each other’s laptops. Yeah my little one never leaves a mess behind. I truly appreciate a clean public restroom…and this coffee place is usually good…but gosh I so glad that the worker stood up for me…lol

  3. I also just bounce out of bed and am ready to face the world just as yourself. But unlike yourself, I truly enjoy my 2 cups of Java every morning regardless how many times I need to pee.
    Which leads to me to believe that you really aren’t leery of peeing 12 times in the morning but rather you’re leery of using public restrooms! And I don’t blame you one bit.
    Keep up the great blog.

    • I’m sure people notice me leaving to use the bathroom over and over again lol. Every time I go into a public bathroom I stand and observe my surroundings…and ask myself “is it ok to use this bathroom?” And sometimes I stand there for minutes trying to decide if I should use it or not lol. Thank you very much!

  4. Score! I have a slight compulsion with hand washing, especially after a training session. I cannot rid myself of the idea of many sweaty men handling those dumb bells..yuch!

    • I know right? Who knows who have touched those things…a guy came into work the other day and I always shake his hands. Well, I went to the bathroom and I could hear someone having stomach issues in a stall…he flushed the toilet and walked right out without washing his hands…and it was the guy whose hands I always shake…eww. Not doing that anymore.

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